Shameless whining and whinging is really all I'm good for right now...

Yes, I'm one of those people that has fallen behind on the blogging assignment. Looking back and rereading my previous entries has left me feeling disconnected and with a bad feeling about them. Writing in this medium gives me the potential to make it disappear entirely with one touch of the delete key. However, this feels like cheating and a cop out. I can't bring myself to edit or erase any of it.

Struggling through the idea of a coherent self seems so childish and uneducated now. I have come to terms with the selectivity and performance involved in the whole process and now I feel like I just want to start over. There's too much here on the page and none of it really feels like it belongs to me. That would just continue this cycle I seem to be stuck in. When previous work does not seem adequate and I finally reach some sort of breakthrough, I just want to let go of the past inadequacies. Not this time - I have to learn somehow. Since I don't get a "do-over" in life, I do not get a "do-over" in life writing.

In the past I have given up other blogs and journals for this very reason. I really don't like the inconsistencies in writing forms and really strange conglomerations of different aspects of my interests, but they are there. In a way I had to slog through those textual performances to get my philosophy to where it is now. So, even though that delete button looks really friendly right now, these past musings will not go away. I will build. This may become even more disjointed as individual performances happen and I find that I actually can put more of my experience out here.