Hangups with Blogging

So, it looks like most of us fit in a couple of categories of bloggers: those who jumped on the bandwagon and wrote immediately, and those who were resistant. However, I feel like I was not really resistant, just completely OCD. This has come up a few times in this blog, and I may actually go back through with the delete button and edit out the fluff, because believe it or not, it's taken me a while to get here.

The more stress in my life, the less I wrote. It feels forced, and I absolutely hate contrived writing. After this semester, I actually want to try to keep this up, because I want to see what I can do with general thoughts that are not under pressure.

I managed to get completely self conscious. The thought of the audience was far to prevalent in the back of my mind. I knew that a specific audience could possibly be reading this and that I did not want to completely alienate them, yet this was supposedly for me, yet this was a school assignment. Mixed messages.

The comment thing was also really interesting, as was the the idea of "following" blogs. I was a bit of a hypocrite here, because I felt out of place leaving them for others, yet I kind of wanted them in a way. I didn't know if what I had to say was worth reading or if anyone WAS reading it at all. That thought was kind of discouraging.

I have kept other blogs in the past, but a huge difference existed in the way they were structured. I had a blog on fencing.net that I still update occasionally. When you train for fencing, especially with a competition goal in mind, you keep a training journal and compile your scores for the season. You also talk about what you want to learn and what progress you have made. Many fencers turn this into a blog, because you get to share what you are doing with other fencers who might take your suggestions, and you get feedback from others and can incorporate their ideas. It's really interesting. For example, the former veteran world champion in women's sabre (she currently holds the silver medal), trains at the Fencing Academy of Philadelphia, and she also keeps her fencing journal as a blog, which I follow religiously. I also keep a mostly on, sometimes off again blog about my experience at Gillette Castle over the summer. Due to the fact that writing about these different realms has been so removed in the past, combining these very different aspects of my life felt very strange. This also came out in journaling when I was younger. Even though I am fully aware of the fact that it is impossible to present a coherent life story in this sort of medium, my inherent OCD seems to be bothering me when ideas do not make sense together.

I also alternated between talking about random ideas that popped into my head, and actually describing what went on in a day (which after reading other blogs made this seem incredibly asinine). I guess I had no idea what I wanted my blog to accomplish and didn't quite know where it was going so it floundered. I have ideas, yet I have no idea where they fit or how they should go together. I have posts saved, but never really knew how to construct them. Maybe it doesn't actually matter. I suppose the organic structure that seemed so freeing at the beginning actually held me up, because I didn't know how to use it at all. Let's try this.